Relying on One of the Church's Strengths
What Part Does Reconciliation Play in the Healing Process?

By Sharon Womack Doty, Esq. Consultant to the VIRTUS Programs

As Catholics and Christians we know that reconciliation is the pathway to restoring our relationship with God and finding peace in the midst of turbulence. Forgiveness and reconciliation are an important part of the healing process for victims of abuse by clergy or other Church personnel. However, the Church and its faith communities must never force the issue of reconciliation. Instead, the Church and its faithful must be patient and must not approach this sensitive subject until a victim is ready.

Why is it important to wait until the victim raises the issue of reconciliation? The answer is simple. It is difficult for victims to come forward. When someone suffers through sexual abuse, they have already experienced a great deal of trauma. By disclosing the abuse and seeking both assistance and recovery, a victim risks additional trauma.

Premature use of the words "forgiveness" or "reconciliation" can suggest to a victim that he or she should skip right past the pain, get over it, and get on with life. Another consequence of raising the subject of reconciliation too early in the healing process is that the victim may feel that the Church is pressuring him or her to forgive the perpetrator. Or, perhaps, the victim may believe that the Church is blaming him or her for not forgiving the offender. This can foster feelings of anger, resentment, and additional shame in the victim. Premature reconciliation can stop the healing process or set it back dramatically.

The Church and its faith communities must wait until the victim raises the issue of forgiveness. But, "raising the issue" of forgiveness does not mean that the victim is ready to forgive and forget. Being willing to talk about forgiveness and reconciliation is just the beginning. When this first step occurs, the response of the Church and its faith communities can make or break the healing process.

If both the Church's and faith community's response are so important, how do we know the appropriate and most effective way to respond to an individual victim? What can we do to help the victim complete the healing process? The best way to answer these questions is to ask the victim.

Over the past few years, victims have shared with the Bishops Ad Hoc Committee on Sexual Abuse some things that help and some things that hinder the reconciliation process. A common theme in the victims' responses is that the Church should follow its own model of repentance and reconciliation.

It is important to carefully consider the following common elements of the reconciliation process-as raised and discussed by victims when working through the process of forgiveness and reconciliation.

Reconciliation begins with "breaking the silence"-that is, willingness on the part of the Church, in an atmosphere of openness and honesty, to recognize and acknowledge the sinful behavior of sexual abuse. Healing for both the victim and the Church requires that the conspiracy of silence be broken. Secrecy is the tool of the offender. The Church must begin the process of reconciliation by addressing and admitting the wrongs that have occurred.

The Church must also acknowledge that the direct harm caused by sexual abuse was a result of the offender's behavior. If the Church takes the position that the Church didn't have enough information, didn't understand what happened, or relied on bad advice, or if the Church offers excuses (e.g., the perpetrator committed sexual abuse in a direct act of disobedience to the bishop and to God), the Church will be doing nothing to effectively mitigate the harm to the victim.

A request for forgiveness is crucial. Victims need to hear the Church apologize for the actions of clergy and others in the Church and for the damage caused by sexual abuse committed by clergy and other Church personnel. The Church must also recognize that, at times, the Church was aware of offending clergy and other personnel but failed to remove them from the professional activities that provided these offenders with unfettered access to children.

The Church's repentance and remorse provides victims with the opportunity to begin healing. Remember that victims frequently feel as though they are responsible for the damage caused by sexual abuse. They are ashamed of what happened. When the Church and the perpetrators take responsibility for what happened, victims and their families gain the confidence and strength needed to heal and to move forward in their lives.

These elements are important whether the reconciliation takes place in a private meeting or a public celebration. The victim must initiate the process and, then, the victim must be heard and respected if the process of healing is to move forward for all parties.

(Featured November 15, 2004)